14 Days off: #11

After watching "The Young Victoria"# we

had tea and scones,

English style*

How's that for connecting the past with the present...

And since tomorrow

I will be picking up my next Hexalen®

chemotherapy prescription of 84 capsules

this blog relates to the past, present, and future

# Monica 4-Plex Theatre, 2nd street

* http://www.thetudorhouse.com/

Both in Santa Monica, California

14 Days off: #10

Reign or Shine

Today was a perfect day to see a movie

because

it rained all day long

Queen Victoria informed her new husband

there were times

it rained all day long

But it was the photographing of "The Young Victoria" poster

that created interest,

especially when my empty medicine container

was put on the umbrella

Well, if "Flat Stanley"* can be taken around

the world and photographed,

rain or shine,

I can do the same with my famous,

seen throughout the world,

and now empty

ChemoCaps# container

Here's looking at you...^

* www.flatstanleyproject.com

# my endearing term for oral,

Hexalen® chemotherapy capsules

^ Casablanca (1942)

14 Days off: #9

NO PARKING

TOW-AWAY

In a few days I will return to the pharmacy to fill my second month prescription of oral chemotherapy medicine. I still find it hard to picture 84 capsules that will be taken in 14 days.

But wait, the oncologist said he may increase the daily dosage when I see him on January 4th, 2010. Want to take a guess what the new total will be?

How does this note apply to the photograph?

On a recent walk, I was celebrating that I had completed my first month of swallowing 84 capsules in 14 days. The empty medicine container is on the top of the red warning bag.

My previous chemotherapy medicine was contained in a different kind of bag--a soft plastic bag that hung from a pole with liquid, cancer-killing fluid. The earlier 17 infusions of medicine into my arm also contained warnings, like, be careful not to get the fluid on the skin.

The end result of all this liquid and oral medicine has and continues to be to kill and control the cancer in my abdominal/pelvic area.

14 Days off: #8

The Gift of Life

Last night I saw a guy sing about his struggles and survival

after bone cancer was diagnosed in his upper left jaw#

Life is a gift

This morning I received continuing physical therapy to allow me to walk,

something I could easily do before sarcoma cancer surgery and radiation

A healthy life is a gift

Next week I will get my blood tested to determine how chemo #4*

is attacking the cancer cells in my abdominal area

The state of our medical world is a gift

The belief that there are multiple ways to live a joyful life under

the most dire situations is the gift I celebrate each day

Life is my present

# Charlie Lustman, "Made Me Nuclear" at Santa Monica Playhouse: www.mademenuclear.com

* Hexalen® capsules

Gift bag courtesy of Dolly

14 Days off: #7

Some of the nicest gifts are right in our back yard, I seem to recall from my childhood.

As children, by sister, brothers and I always lived in a house. We helped build a tree house, plus a large 'club house' that was home for my father's work room with a lathe and power tools. The 'club house' also had bunk beds for my brothers, a study area, and a pot belly wood burning stove.

Now, so many of us live in apartments and town houses that our back yards are tiny or non existent.

This morning I looked out at my balcony and found this gem of mother nature. Thanks Mom!

14 Days off: #6

Cancer and Creativity

One of the M.D.s at the recent Sarcoma Cancer Conference asked me how creativity and cancer are connected, as he glanced at the handout from the Premiere Oncology and Beckstrand Cancer Foundations’ sponsored art therapy workshops.

I momentary paused at what seemed like a ‘no-brainer’ question. Since creativity has been a life time philosophy for surviving daily challenges, I took it for granted that everyone understands how creativity helps us to find solutions in our lives. So let’s step back into that conversation and delve into creativity.

I believe creativity is that inner voice that resides within each of us. We may open a window long enough to see and hear what our creative voice has to offer, and we may respond to those notes and rhythms.

We may cautiously pry loose the top of our treasure chest of hopes and dreams just long enough to put them into action.

We may step through our castle’s threshold to discover the unexplored space of sound, the magnificent palettes of color, and the multiple textures of surface.

We are each given dice to roll, we add up our spots of feelings, our intensity of emotions, and get the sum, which I call wisdom.

Finally, in “Cancer and Creativity workshops” the weekly two-hour commitment opens opportunities to express our transforming and often cancer engulfed lives. The art therapy workshops help to honor who I am and how I am living with cancer.

Postscript:

The weekly writing and group therapy sessions at The Wellness Community in Santa Monica have opened opportunities to explore and empower feelings. The meetings provide a small and safe forum for my fears and progress. As a result, my life has improved because of not only the programs at the Wellness Community, but the art therapy workshops at Premiere Oncology, also in Santa Monica, California.

14 Days off: #5

I spent Christmas Day at two different homes

with loving family and friends

"You look good Michelle, real good!"

"Thank you, I'm happy to be here"

14 Days off: #4

During my childhood walks

I would find these two flowers*

They were supposed to have super powers

One would provide answers to my wishes

and the other,

when placed under my chin,

Would foresee a unique insight into my friendships

During my walk today,

I didn't pick either of the flowers, but

I still wondered if

They retain those childhood powers

*Note:

After I published the above I learned

that the two flowers in the photograph

were instead a round seed head and a

yellow flower of the common Dandelion plant

14 Days off: #3

Today in writing group for cancer survivors

I explored the concept of

contentment

While my philosophy of life is to view my challenges through the eyes of a creative artist

I find it difficult when cancer symptoms seem to sneak up on me

For example...

Is my abdominal bloating caused from ineffective

chemotheraphy medication

or

Is it from the over-salted dinner the night before?

Is my crazy-acting GI system a result of X, Y, or Z,

or

Is it because the cancer-killing oral medication is too weak?

Is the next CA-125 tumor marker blood test going to be lower,

or

Is it going to be higher than the previous test seven weeks ago?

The pendulum of cancer swings from fear to contentment

So as I once again look at my photograph,

each holly leaf is made up of a smooth, glossy surface

While around the outside are

sharp, spiny toothed edges

14 Days off: #2

For the people living in the Los Angeles area

our yards are filled with feet of flowers

and not feet of snow

I'm using my walks to

strengthen my endurance,

appreciate the life that surrounds me,

and

focus on images that improves my well-being

Mental imagery and relaxation techniques from

the late Dr. O Carl Simonton

and

the late Harold Benjamin

help me to

focus,

center, &

heal

on a daily basis

14 Days off: #1

As a way to celebrate

and to

focus on the

continuing mission of

my chemotherapy medication

I took the

EMPTY container

on a 'photo shoot'

This new series of photographs will help remind me of the

continuing mission of the 85 Hexalen®

chemotherapy capsules

I have taken during the past 15 days.

As I was taking this photograph

a man asked if I needed help in picking up the container.

"No, but thank you.

I'm celebrating because I just finished taking the

85 capsules that were in the container."

Hexalen®, day 15, #34

Sculpture, in detail, by

Gilda Schwartz

with

One Hexalen® capsule

Sculpture, 2 of 4

about 1998

approx 7 x 7 inches

On the December 17th, day 12, #31 blog entry, it was reveled that upon completion of taking six capsules a day for 14 days, for a total of 84 capsules, there was going to be one extra capsule. Today is the day, this morning is the moment that I will swallow this one remaining capsule.

So, what's the big deal? (I can almost hear one of my brothers say) Take the capsule and move on!

I want to say grace for the hard work put into the development, testing, and success of Hexalen®. My oncologist said this drug is one of the older drugs in the treatment of ovarian cancer and he has high hopes that Hexalen® will be an excellent tool in my cancer fight of the primary peritoneal cancer in my abdominal/pelvic area.

Hexalen®, day 14, #33

Today is the last day of the

'14 days of taking the Hexalen®' chemotherapy capsules,

aka, ChemoCaps.

I have enjoyed seeing life through my ChemoCaps

and hope you have been entertained, amused, and inspired.

The following '14 days' I will not be taking the ChemoCaps

You know, the old, '14-days on and 14-days off' program

Postscript

I have called this first, 28-day month 'Oneuary'

My second month of taking my ChemoCaps will begin in two weeks.

The name of that month is 'Twouary,'

again a month with 28-days.

The logic again follows:

'Threeuary' is a month with 28 days,

14-days on meds and 14-days off meds.

'Fouruary,'

'Fiveuary,'

'Sixuary.'

GO!

Hexalen®, day 13, #32

Sculpture by

Gilda Schwartz

with

Six Hexalen® capsules

Sculpture, 2 of 4

about 1998

approx 7 x 7 inches

Hexalen®, day 12, #31

I took this photograph yesterday, so by the time you read this,

most or all of these capsules will be

gone,

dissolved,

digested,

and doing the chemotherapy task of

'killing the cancer'

But, after I took this photograph

I counted the remaining capsules

and

there was an extra one

Right, an extra capsule!

...What is a gal to do?

I count out six in the morning

Put two in each little opening in the purse container,

Morn, Noon, Bed

I take two capsules at a time

I even touch them with my tongue before I swallow them with juice or water,

Count them: One, Two

There is still an extra capsule!

Oh,

What would a Cirque Du Soleil clown do?

Hexalen®, day 11, #30

My day's medication upon

sculpture by

Gilda Schwartz

Sculpture, 1 of 4

about 1998

approx 7 x 7 inches

Hexalen®, day 10, #29

Another image from the Magic Tube

Magic Tube

mixed media

approx 13 x 2 inches

November 2009

See December 4th blog entry: Hexalen® and "Magic Tube, #18

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen®, day 9, #28

Today, nine days after I began taking Hexalen®

I saw my oncologist

Based upon my minimal side effects (fatigue)

and

a pretty healthy blood count today

I will finish my remaining five days of capsules

and

begin my 14 days of NO capsules

'HIGH FIVE'

In three weeks I will return for another blood test

and

most likely,

begin Month Two of taking 14 days of my ChemoCaps

Postscript

I might be swallowing more medicine during

the second and third months

now that we are learning that

I can tolerate this chemotherapy drug

location of photograph:

somewhere in Santa Monica

ChemoCaps: my endearing term

for chemotherapy capsules

Hexalen®, day 8, #27

Today is my eight day of taking this oral chemotherapy medicine

That means from the original 84 capsules that were in my prescription,

Today there are only 42

As the saying goes, I don't know about you, but

That's a lot of capsules

The photograph of the Hexalen® capsules was

Taken through the Magic Tube

Magic Tube

mixed media

approx 13 x 2 inches

November 2009

See December 4th blog entry: Hexalen® and "Magic Tube, #18

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen®, day 7, #26

As each day brings hope and inspiration

Each day provides the opportunity to show appreciation

Thank you for being a reader of this blog

Hexalen®, day 6, #25

It sure feels good to just write that fatigue is my only side effect from the chemotherapy oral medication. My need for two to three naps is really a delight in relation to a few other in-treatment friends.

I wish all the cancer survivors who ARE having debilitating and toxic side effects will quickly be able to return to a normal life.

Hexalen® Six a day is the Way, day 5, #24

These tiny capsules are busy at work

While I needed three naps today, I was only able to take two

What's in these cancer-killing drugs?

Hexalen® The Cap Dance, day 4, #23

This capsule taking is getting to be a non-issue,

Always clean hands before and after taking the medicine,

Swallow capsules after meals, and

Take naps when necessary.

A week from this coming Sunday, I will be on my '14 days of no capsules.'

I like my medicine

My medicine likes me

We are a team

Healing the cancer inside of me

Go Caps! Go!

Hexalen® day 3, Six Capsules a Day, #22

Six Capsules a Day

Michelle Leddel

Mixed media

approx 12 x 12 inches

December 2009

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen® day 2, ChemoCaps, #21

Hi, how do you do?

I'm going to call you my ChemoCaps for chemotherapy capsules.

Have you met my friends and family? They are listening, watching and lending all kinds of support. Some of them are cancer survivors, also experiencing the multiple events that go along with monitoring and treating the disease of cancer.

Additionally, there are the teams of people who are treating, monitoring, supporting, funding, and creating the tools to help the cancer survivors and their families.

So, ChemoCaps, we are not alone. There are endless numbers of people who are helping.

Hexalen® is in my system, day 1, #20

This is Day One of the first month of this oral chemotherapy, Hexalen®.

For the past 20 days I have been in mental training to create ways to see the joy and fun in swallowing six pills, two three times a day: a drug that is going to kill the fast-growing cells in my body. I will be taking them 14 days and then for 14 days I will not be taking them. After three months of this schedule, I will undergo a scan to determine the benefits of Hexalen® on the peritoneal cancer.

When I received the three previous chemotherapy drugs, the oncology nurse gave them to me and I remained fairly comfortable during the 17 infusions. The most debilitating side effect was fatigue.

Opps, I just remembered the hair loss, hand/foot syndrome, the swollen lips, and difficulty swallowing. I wonder if this short-term memory delay on the topic of side effects is a device to help me endure this new drug, or is it possibly ChemoBrain* kicking in?

Now that I have been prescribed oral medication, I'm more aware of individuals who are taking oral chemotherapy drugs. They are suffering from the side effects, ah, but wait, most people experience multiple side effects from any type of chemotherapy drug--they are very powerful drugs.

So I return to the joy and excitement of swallowing my chemotherapy medication. ChemoBuddy Bruce suggested that I add variety to the process of taking the medicine by having three different types of juice throughout the day. Right! This morning I just took the two capsules with water, but by this afternoon, I remembered Bruce's suggestion, and drank APPLE JUICE. Now I'm so excited, what will be my third juice of the day?

Come on, have some fun with me!

*"Your Brain After Chemo: A Practical Guild to Lifting the Fog and Getting Back Your Focus."

Dan Silverman, MD, PhD and Idelle Davidson, 2009, Da Capo Press

Hexalen® and Drug Warnings , #19

As I prepare to begin taking my six doses of Hexalen ® a day, the warnings on the container caught my eye again.

Verrry interesting:

These days people are so cautious about surfaces we touch,

the door knobs we don't touch after washing our hands,

the frequent use of hand sanitizers, and yesterday someone mentioned--

touching the bottles of condiments at restaurant tables that have been used by unknown hands.

Back to the label, my cancer-killing medication container is advising me to wash my hands AFTER I touch the medication.

I guess I better do what I'm told, but shouldn't I wash my hands BEFORE I take the medicine?

Hexalen® and 'Magic Tube' #18

In Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop the recent theme was 'magic'.

With a sense of play and curiosity Magic Tube was created.

My greatest thrill is when I look through it.

Take a look...

Hexalen® and count down #17

As many people know who have gone to the Internet to gain information on medications, the range of side effects can be pretty horrible/enlightening/comforting, and, none of the above.

But while my oncologist said that nausea would probably be the only side effect from taking Hexalen®, it is still hard to put aside my computer assisted research.

With just a few days away from starting my chemo #4, Hexalen®, I just received additional information from Phyllis, a social worker who works on a cancer information & resource line^, who spoke with an oncologist who* also prescribes Hexalen®.

It was comforting to get this second opinion from an oncologist:

-No violent reactions

-Possible loss of appetite

-Drop in white blood count (which will be monitored through blood tests)

Emotionally I feel better and as soon as my cracked skin is healed from chemo #3, I will begin swallowing my medicine.

*the repetition of the word "who" reminds me of the nursery rhyme/folksong about the old lady who swallowed one item after another--fly, spider, bird, cat, dog, cow, and horse.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!
There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and wiggled and tiggled inside her;
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly;
I don't know why she swallowed a fly -... #

Believe me, I don't plan a replay of what that old lady did, but it is fun to be reminded of the childhood songs and rhymes.

^Phyllis Tell, MSW, of the Ronnie Lippin Cancer Information & Resource Line, part of Tower Cancer Research Foundation. NOTE: Services are available only to cancer patients, families, and friends living in Los Angeles County. Toll Free Phone: 877.RLC.2120 and www.LACancerInfo.org

#http://www.rhymes.org.uk/there_was_an_old_lady.htm

Hexalen® and My art exhibit reception #16

In between four of my pieces of art on display at Premiere Oncology

Is the ever present container of 84 Hexalen® chemotherapy pills/capsules

It seems that the container is a reminder that once there is a diagnosed cancer

Cancer is always here/there in one form or another

Follow-up tests

Medication

Re-occurrence

Metastasis

Side effects

Now, I know it IS time to go to the Opening Reception at

Premiere Oncology

Hexalen® and lingering side effects from Doxil®"#15

Just when I thought I had gained all the benefits* from chemo #3, aka, Doxil®, and when I thought the side effects were nearly gone, yesterday the story changed.

Hands are tingling again and the skin inside my mouth is swollen, again.

Oh, I wish there was a manual on this kind of stuff.

The reason I'm so disappointed at these new side effects from the old drug is because I was really getting prepared to start chemo #4, Hexalen®.

If only the two drugs could talk--hummm--

Doxil® to Hexalen®: "I'm feeling left out! You and Michelle are going to so many fun places. She is taking you to the Chinese market, the Santa Monica Pier, to fun places to eat! So, Hexalen®, because Michelle never took me to fun places, I'm going to stay around a little longer. Sure, I'm trying to keep the disease level down, but, I'm going to make life a little uncomfortable for Michelle!"

Hexalen® to Doxil®: "Now come on, we have to get along. We are both known as, {DRUM ROLL PLEASE} Cancer-Killing Drugs! We are Heroes! H-E-R-O-E-S! Michelle's Heroes!"

Doxil® to Hexalen®: "But I'm still feeling left out!"

Hexalen® to Doxil®: "I'm so sorry Doxil®. But Michelle had no choice because she could not touch you. Remember there is a warning--Do not get Doxil® on the skin! And do you remember that the two previous cancer-killing drugs were also liquid drugs that were infused into Michelle's arm. She could not take them home either, or to the beach or to the pier."

Doxil® to Hexalen®: "I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that you are pills/capsules and I'm a liquid. Okay, I'll get over my anger and resentment. Bye Hexalen®"

Hexalen® to Doxil®: "Bye Doxil®. See you around."

*Benefits: dramatically reducing the CA-125 tumor marker (from 6705 to 122) and less observable disease on the PET/CT scans