Dear Diary,

When in doubt, write it down

Among the many qualities cancer survivors acquire on their path of healing is the ability to sense when things are changing in their bodies. As a result of scans and/or lab work, those hunches are often confirmed.

Dear Diary,

A few weeks ago I had pains in my abdominal/pelvic area. Medical staff checked it out and said it didn't seem to be serious. "Go on your trip and have a good time, call if things get worst!"

The morning after I returned, my doctor called while he was on vacation. The recent blood work was red flagged (my term) and get in for a CT scan as soon as possible, is what came across. Seven hours later, the CT scan was completed.

My dear Diary, the results are in. The clinical trial I began one month ago is not helping because the ovarian cancer is progressing. #@&#!!!!

And the pain and tenderness has been increasing. double #@&!!!!

So as of two days ago, I'm off of that clinical trial (aka, CT #1: Avastin and the mystery drug)

In two days I will again be in the doctor's office to discuss the next treatment plan, something I will probably refer to as CT #2,

So as I write to you Diary, we have to recall that during the past 26 months three out of the five earlier chemotherapy treatments had successfully reduced the cancer to a more livable level, such as 'no sign of disease' or 'cancer free' or 'remission.' And if it was possible then, it will be possible again!

My Dear diary, thank you for being here whenever I need to express myself. I bet you realize by this time that sometimes I just can't talk, I can only write. Thank you for just being a good listener. Now, I think I can go for that walk that I have been putting off all day long.

Image above:

Basket of writing pads and clip boards at The Wellness Community in Santa Monica

Stay tuned in for the 5 o'clock news

What's Inside

2010

Instead of having a PET/CT scan in four weeks,

continuing abdominal discomfort, among other things,

resulted in having a CT scan today!

Oh my, oh my!

I'm glad this technology exists, that is,

to be able to 'see' what's under the skin without a surgical procedure

But,

I gotta say,

I couldn't take my much needed afternoon nap

because I was wondering

what my teams of doctors will recommend in two days

Oh my, oh my!

This piece, “What's Inside" (computer assisted from original) was modified from, “A Day in the Life of Michelle,” mixed media, July 2010.

The art was inspired in Art Therapy recently at Premiere Oncology in Santa Monica, California.

How are you?

Point of Reference

2010

The gal in cancer support group e-mailed me, "How are you?

This morning the answer just seemed to be...

Fine...but I'm thinking about a 'growing feeling that something new is going on in my abdominal area'

But if I don't think about it, doesn't it kinda just go away, for a while?

I'm fine until I get the results of the next scan in a month, and the results of the somewhat helpful tumor marker within the month...

I'm fine ... because I'm going to meet my recently discovered family soon

I'm fine - I'm fine

This piece, “Point of Reference" (computer assisted from original) was modified from, “A Day in the Life of Michelle,” mixed media, July 2010.

The art was inspired in Art Therapy recently at Premiere Oncology in Santa Monica, California.

Soon, a new chapter

On Tuesday of this week, I had a PET-CT scan to follow-up on the previous scan of six months ago. You might recall that I have been taking Hexalen® chemotherapy capsules for 14 days and then no capsules for 14 days during the past six months. I called these my "ChemoCaps." By the way, this was my fourth kind of chemotherapy during the past two years.

Another reason I had this scan was because my oncologist had seen an increase in my CA-125 tumor marker numbers during the past month or so. (Note: going up is bad, going down is good)

In a few hours I will be in the doctor's office to discuss my/our new treatment plan. Along with me will be one of my dear friends. She will take notes, ask additional questions I might not have asked, and then we will get something to eat.

After dinner I will go to my weekly, Thursday night cancer support group. I'll tell you, on Tuesday after the scan, I headed over to my regular, art therapy cancer support group; I was feeling emotionally vulnerable and fragile. Again, one of the best places to be--in a support group!

P.S., If you can schedule your scans/tests early in the week, in some cases, you may get your results before the weekend. Waiting can be hard ... on everyone.

"Hello Michelle, this is Dr._ calling..."

At the Farmers Market

March 2010

It is hard not to be alarmed when my oncologist called. He never calls unless I have left a message for him. He just called.

It is Friday morning and I'm planning a little trip.

"I'm concerned that your CA-125 is rising," he began.

Since I was in for a check-up two days ago and blood was drawn, he was concerned with the results that just came in. When I saw him on Wednesday, the plan was to begin taking the 6th month of my ChemoCaps (8 Hexalen capsules a day for 14 days). Up until last month the medicine was bringing down the CA-125 tumor marker.

As a result of this decrease, I have been feeling pretty healthy and confident.

But on Wednesday, when I asked what April's CA-125 was, he reported, "65." I knew it was up from the previous months, but I quickly responded, "Oh, a hiccup!" (I'm thinking, the number just went up and then it will drop--right! But it didn't drop THIS month either.

Two days ago the plan was to have a PET scan in a few months, depending on the results of my monthly blood draw. STOP THE PRESS!

My doctor of six years is calling in for an immediate insurance approval for a PET scan, asap.

"But Doctor, I'm planning on taking a little trip, can I still go?"

"Sure, Go and have a good time!"

We both chuckled--the quality life of a person with cancer is so often determined by the results of the monthly, or regularly scheduled scan and lab work.

Right, sure,

celebrate! With this hanging over my head...

OkOkay,

Think the big picture:

He is catching this early,

There are more chemotherapy medicines to help extend my life, as he is treating me,

But, why did I throw-up two days ago? This has happened twice in the past two years of chemo.

What's that ache in my hip?

What will the new chemo be like?

But he is catching it early, or is he?

Ovarian-type cancer has a mind of its own...

...Go and have a good time...

14 Days off: #8

The Gift of Life

Last night I saw a guy sing about his struggles and survival

after bone cancer was diagnosed in his upper left jaw#

Life is a gift

This morning I received continuing physical therapy to allow me to walk,

something I could easily do before sarcoma cancer surgery and radiation

A healthy life is a gift

Next week I will get my blood tested to determine how chemo #4*

is attacking the cancer cells in my abdominal area

The state of our medical world is a gift

The belief that there are multiple ways to live a joyful life under

the most dire situations is the gift I celebrate each day

Life is my present

# Charlie Lustman, "Made Me Nuclear" at Santa Monica Playhouse: www.mademenuclear.com

* Hexalen® capsules

Gift bag courtesy of Dolly