Pacman meets ovarian cancer

more later...

...I'm very tired and weak...

DNA Testing

A Moment in the Life of Michelle

As my guiding spirit and I address the topic of genetic testing, a wave of calmness bathes not only my body and mind, but my essence as well.

Take a deep breath………..Exhale…………….

We are both exploring the topic of DNA testing, first my spirit with innate knowledge, guidance, and support, and myself as I begin this exploration with strength and curiosity.

The first results of my family history, genealogy DNA test came to me, not by the Texas company that received my cheek sample in early June, but from Derek in Australia via an e-mail yesterday. He wrote that it appeared “we have a 5^th cousin match on chromosome 19 with Family Finder” and would I send him more information on my family genealogy.

How could this be? I asked myself as I began my investigation into not only the reference to the DNA test results, but to Derek’s specific question.

In response to my disbelief, this morning’s second e-mail from Derek included a copy from his results that includes my name. Hopefully, within a few days I will receive official notification about my genealogy DNA as it relates to people and places throughout the world.

The other arm of my DNA testing was revealed three hours ago when I received documentation from my new oncologist that I was BRCA2 positive as determined by a Utah company. That means I’m a carrier of a mutated gene that makes me more vulnerable (at higher risk) for ovarian and breast cancer. Or to put it another way, two of my three diagnosed cancers (ovarian, aka, primary peritoneal and breast) are a result of genes I inherited.

What else does this positive result mean? I will find out in time. But, I know I will be guided in this medical DNA search with my guiding spirit, doctors, and curiosity.

Take a deep breath………..Exhale…………….

NOTE:

This writing was inspired in Writers Workshop this week at The Wellness Community in Santa Monica.

The art was inspired in Art Therapy last week at Premiere Oncology, also in Santa Monica, California. This piece, “A Moment in the Life of Michelle” was modified from, “A Day in the Life of Michelle,” mixed media, July 2010.

In transition

Day in the Life of Michelle

Major Change in Cancer Treatment--

Three weeks ago an emergency PET/CT scan and tumor marker blood test revealed that chemo was not working and I was sent to another doctor for possible participation in a clinical trial. Two weeks of lab work, physical exam, review of previous treatment reports, and three MRIs resulted in acceptance in a clinical trial of twice monthly infusion of two drugs, Avastin and mystery drug.

Am I glad I qualified to be in the clinical trial? Yes, because I have new options. You might recall that during the past two years my previous oncologist took me through five different chemotherapy drugs for the cancer in my pelvic region. Three of the drugs successfully attacked the cancer, but as is the case with my particular cancer, the cancer 'smartens up' and the chemo becomes useless.

The 'best part' about being at my new medical facility for the clinical trial is that I live ten blocks from the clinic. The other 'best thing' is the place I'm going for the (four, going on five) MRIs is at an imaging center just a few miles from my home. Compare that to the forty minute drive, from door to door of my previous and wonderful doctor, and 'I'm a happy camper!'

My arms are providing the blood for analysis, sometimes ten vials at a time, and my blood vessels are the highways for medical contrasts and clinical trial drugs, however, the injured tissues from multiple poking on both arms are sensitive. Today my arms are healing through the color range of red, green, and purple.

The technicians say, "You have great veins, now just relax."

Yeah, right! I think. Just poke me in the right spot and then I won't tighten up!

The next few months looks like this:

Next week, blood draw and the following week receive the second infusion of drugs in the left arm while my right arm is used for multiple blood draws. I'm given multiple EKGs and my vitals are checked (heart rate, blood pressure and pulse) every 15 minutes

The following week: MRI with contrast and return to clinic for blood draw, aka "Safety labs"

This completes Cycle 1, about one month in length

Mid August begin Cycle 2 with "Safety labs" (multiple blood draws, urinalysis ), EKGs, check of vitals every 15 minutes during the infusion process of the two bags of liquid drugs.

The following week, "Safety labs"

Next week, drug infusion, and of course, Safety labs, EKGs, and check of vitals every 15 minutes during the infusion process

The following week, "Safety labs"

PET/CT scan in September

Begin Cycle 3, if everything is going as planned.

Are there side effects?

Yes!

Possibly! and

No!

This topic will be explored in the future

"Day in the Life of Michelle"

mixed media

about 11 x 14 "

July 2010

Premiere Oncology Foundation Art Therapy workshop

hexalen®, restart day 4, 4th month

6 Capsules a Day, detail

Four month ago in art therapy class,

I created this

I had never been on oral chemotherapy drugs

and the issue was on my mind

In twelve days

this piece will be on display at

Premiere Oncology in Santa Monica

Currently the eight capsules a day

are a non-issue

This make me very happy,

especially since the meds are

bringing down my tumor marker

Hexalen®, days 3 & 4, 4th month

Yesterday, after my MRI, the 16-block walk to the Pacific Ocean was just the thing to do: beautiful weather and healthy exercise.

But on my return, first via the bus and then a brief two block walk to my car, I tripped. OMG, I was just one block from my car!

Two people rushed over to me as we all watched myself slowly move through space and come to an abrupt stop on the cement.

The worst part of this is that the scraped and bloody knee belongs to my lymphedema leg.

Hexalen®, day 13, 3rd month

Every afternoon I take a nap in my hammock

I systematically relax areas of my body

I exhale tightness

Then

I

visualize

gold healing energy

throughout my body

Part three of three

hand painted paper to be used in a collage

mixed media

February 2010

Hexalen®, day 9, 3rd month

Gold has been the healing energy for me during the past two years

as I relaxed and napped in my hammock

on a daily basis, sometimes two or three times a day

Tomorrow in art therapy I will be asked to use the

three hand-painted sheets of paper

to create a collage

bye for now

Part of three of three

hand painted paper to be used in a collage

mixed media

February 2010

Hexalen®, day 8, 3rd month

Today no rain, just a bright winter sun

Billowy clouds

followed by sunset, beautiful as always

One more week of medication before I begin

the 14 days of no drugs

Just say "Yes!" to drugs!

Part of two of three

hand painted paper to be used in a collage

mixed media

February 2010

Hexalen®, day 7, 3rd month

We have had rain and now the bright winter sun is shining

Billowy white and gray clouds

dot the afternoon sky

Time to take dose three of ChemoCaps,

bye for now

Part of one of three

hand painted paper to be used in a collage

mixed media

February 2010

14 Days off: #10

You have probably heard the term,

"Think outside the box"

Consider this one:

The fish is swimming in a school of empty medicine containers

p.s., Today is Tuesday. Last Friday I called the pharmacy to refill my prescription for the third month of Hexalen® chemotherapy capsules (my ChemoCaps). Well, just maybe, hopefully, the CVS pharmacy (at Santa Monica and 26th) will be able to fill my order.

Good thing I started this process early!

I'm scheduled to begin my 14 days of 8 ChemoCaps a day on Sunday.

I feeling pretty good! Thanks

14 Days off: #3

"Family Patchwork"

with empty ChemoCaps containers

During the past few weeks I have returned to my genealogy research, picking up where I left off over a year ago. (Cancer treatment seemed to take all my energy then.)

While researching family history is absorbing it is fun to be a detective. As a result, I have met new cousins and they have helped me learn more about my family.

So far, the biggest surprise was to learn that my grandmother lived 50 years longer than we were told. Why? I think it was because she was declared mentally insane in the 1920's and confined to facilities for 50 years. So instead of my grandmother dying when my mother was a child, my grandmother died at the age of 88!

Today's photograph of "Family Patchwork" is an art piece I created to use in my genealogy multimedia presentations. Since I have a large immediate family, nieces, nephews, and new cousins, a have a built-in audience for my new discoveries.

Michelle Leddel

Mixed media

approx 12 x 12 inches

January 2010

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen®, day 12, 2nd month

“Don’t Suffer in Silence”

Around two in the morning I realized I was thinking about the pain in my right hamstring muscles, and having a chat with my radiologist. I wanted him to see the damaged muscles and really find out if the 30 radiation treatments of a year ago, that burned 5/6 of my upper thigh, were really necessary.

Then I heard another voice say, “But remember, years ago limbs were amputated as a result of Sarcoma tumors.”

Oh!

Then I asked myself, how could I creatively explore the scope of this early morning wake-up call:

1. I can make another collage with photographs of legs and acrylic paint accents, as I did with “Leg Pain,” now hanging at Premiere Oncology +.

2. I can make a felt-based piece of art, similar to “The Highs and Lows of Leg Pain,” * also hanging in a Santa Monica art exhibition #.

3. WOW! I could make “Trilogy of Leg Pain,” similar to “Hair Chronicles on Canvas” ^.

4. I could also write a conversation between my legs, like I did with my two different chemotherapy drugs at the Ferris wheel in Santa Monica++. I could put it on my blog.

“Oh my, the pain in my leg is gone,” I heard myself say around 2:30 am.

In reality, this early morning writing was like going to group therapy where I allow my voice to be expressed and acknowledged.

A reminder - do not suffer in silence.

+ see Nov. 30, 2009 blog post

* see Sept. 19^, 2009 blog post

# see Nov 30, 2009 on blog post

^ see Sept. 11, 2009 blog post

++ see Nov 24, 2009 blog post

This blog entry was developed and read during "Writers Workshop" at The Wellness Community, Santa Monica, CA.

Hexalen®, day 9, 2nd month

"Hope and Healing"

in part

with daily dose of Hexalen®

Fatigue and skin problems

continues to let me know there is

cancer-killing medicine in the

little

white

capsules

"Hope and Healing"

acrylics on canvas

16 x 20

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen®, day 5, 2nd month

"Going Places"

with ChemoCaps

In art therapy workshop over a year ago I

created this abstract representation of

the transition

from one year to another

Today I add my daily dose

of oral

chemotherapy

medication

Then as now

Gold is one of my healing colors

"Going Places"

December 2008

acrylic on canvas

16 x 20 inches

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen®, day 2, 2nd month

Sunday, January 3, 2010, in Little Tokyo, Los Angeles, people were celebrating the New Year, the year of the Tiger.

There was dancing, muchi sweets, sake, and the 12th Annual Shikishi Exhibition in the Japanese American Cultural & Community Center. There were also activities and performances in other areas of Little Tokyo.

With the help of Corinne L. in the weekly Premiere Oncology Art Therapy workshops, I completed my Shikishi paperboard (about 12 by 12 inches) and was delighted to see it hanging in the exhibit along with the work from other classmates and community folk.

The exhibit is open through February 28, 2010. Thanks also go to Galvin Kelley at JACCC who helped make this exhibit possible.

www.jaccc.org

14 Days off: #6

Cancer and Creativity

One of the M.D.s at the recent Sarcoma Cancer Conference asked me how creativity and cancer are connected, as he glanced at the handout from the Premiere Oncology and Beckstrand Cancer Foundations’ sponsored art therapy workshops.

I momentary paused at what seemed like a ‘no-brainer’ question. Since creativity has been a life time philosophy for surviving daily challenges, I took it for granted that everyone understands how creativity helps us to find solutions in our lives. So let’s step back into that conversation and delve into creativity.

I believe creativity is that inner voice that resides within each of us. We may open a window long enough to see and hear what our creative voice has to offer, and we may respond to those notes and rhythms.

We may cautiously pry loose the top of our treasure chest of hopes and dreams just long enough to put them into action.

We may step through our castle’s threshold to discover the unexplored space of sound, the magnificent palettes of color, and the multiple textures of surface.

We are each given dice to roll, we add up our spots of feelings, our intensity of emotions, and get the sum, which I call wisdom.

Finally, in “Cancer and Creativity workshops” the weekly two-hour commitment opens opportunities to express our transforming and often cancer engulfed lives. The art therapy workshops help to honor who I am and how I am living with cancer.

Postscript:

The weekly writing and group therapy sessions at The Wellness Community in Santa Monica have opened opportunities to explore and empower feelings. The meetings provide a small and safe forum for my fears and progress. As a result, my life has improved because of not only the programs at the Wellness Community, but the art therapy workshops at Premiere Oncology, also in Santa Monica, California.

Hexalen®, day 10, #29

Another image from the Magic Tube

Magic Tube

mixed media

approx 13 x 2 inches

November 2009

See December 4th blog entry: Hexalen® and "Magic Tube, #18

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen®, day 8, #27

Today is my eight day of taking this oral chemotherapy medicine

That means from the original 84 capsules that were in my prescription,

Today there are only 42

As the saying goes, I don't know about you, but

That's a lot of capsules

The photograph of the Hexalen® capsules was

Taken through the Magic Tube

Magic Tube

mixed media

approx 13 x 2 inches

November 2009

See December 4th blog entry: Hexalen® and "Magic Tube, #18

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen® day 3, Six Capsules a Day, #22

Six Capsules a Day

Michelle Leddel

Mixed media

approx 12 x 12 inches

December 2009

Created while in 'Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop'

Presented by Premiere Oncology Foundation and Beckstrand Cancer Foundation

Instructor: Esther Dreifuss-Kattan, PhD, ATR

Hexalen® and 'Magic Tube' #18

In Cancer and Creativity Art Therapy Workshop the recent theme was 'magic'.

With a sense of play and curiosity Magic Tube was created.

My greatest thrill is when I look through it.

Take a look...